Starting Over

I’m getting a divorce. Just saying that feels good. Some people say I’m sorry, I say I used to be. I tried all the ways that I could to make it work, for 10 years of our relationship I gathered myself up and put my best foot forward every time I thought about it. Some people will say I’m ungrateful, and can’t be satisfied, but those people don’t actually know me, because they didn’t invest themselves in who I was in the first place. people who actually know me say I’m kind, honest, and held out longer than they would have. Or that’s I’m easy to get along with, and understanding.

It took me longer than I’d like to admit, to realize I was in an abusive marriage. He was never direct until things began to crumble over the last year. At least I thought he wasn’t. I moved out in March, it’s now May. And over the past two months more memories have surfaced. I’ve suppressed much more than I realized. I walked around for years feeling isolated, desperate, and broken. If only I wasn’t so messed up, then our home life would be better. Those are the things I believed, and what I told myself often.

Why am I telling you all this? Not for anyone to feel sorry for me (that is cringe worthy) or to have contempt for my ex. But because know I’m not the only one out there who suffered, feeling those things and more. Maybe your saying to yourself “but it isn’t always like that” I’m here to tell you it never is. Abuse always runs in cycles. Abusers show you just enough daylight to keep to hanging on to a false hope. So if any of this resonates with you, I hope you began to equip yourself to brake the cycle. It won’t be easy, but you my dear friend are stronger than you know.

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